Where I am today.

I have a new outlook, a new beginning, a new perspective on life today.
I don't know where to begin, or how to begin, I'm a little afraid to begin. It seems as though everything I do right now is perceived wrong. I am always rethinking my thoughts before I say them, and worried about who is going to be offended and if I am saying something right. It's a hard way to live. But today is different.

I woke up and decided that I needed to let go. I needed to stop trying to fix something that is so wrong and messed up in my life. I can't fix it, so I need to let it go. It is hard to let something go when that something is a person. I person that I love.  A person that meant a whole lot to me. How do you just let go?

It's been 2 years, 2 years since my best friend decided we weren't friends anymore. I don't know how that happens to be quite honest. I don't know how you care about someone and then you don't.  I think the hardest part for me is not knowing why. I wish that I could at least have a chance to fix things, a chance to let her see the real me and understand where I am coming from and a chance to understand her pain. But I know now that-that is never going to happen. I know that this is how it is, this is where things are and I have to learn to live with it and move forward. I think today, I finally can.

It seems to me that everything I do now is wrong. If I say hi, it's wrong, if I don't, it's wrong. I can never get out of the red because my very presence causes a problem. It is very sad and very hard emotionally. I am not saying this in any way to sound like I am mad at this person, or that I think she is a jerk. That is not my intention at all. I am just trying to show how lost I am and how lost I feel. Or how lost I was and how lost I felt. It's hard to try to fix something over and over and finally realize it's not going to be fixed.

What this has done to me physically: I have put on a lot of weight, to protect myself. I have heart palpitations. My heart beats really fast for a little while almost every day now. I have 2 twitches one in my fingers and one in my eye.  I have to take an extra breath every now and then.(Like when you've been crying really hard) I do cry, almost every day.
Emotionally: I fight my feelings of  hurt, and anger constantly. I am brought back to my childhood when I felt unlovable and unwanted. I have fought not being good enough and not mattering to anyone my whole life. I have worked through it, I just got leveled again and it was hard.
Spiritually: I have had to search for peace and understanding. I know what the Atonement can do and I find it hard to understand why it doesn't apply to me in this case. It's hard to go to church. I am already under a microscope as it is, now I have contention in a place that is supposed to be peaceful and spiritual. There is no peace and it is often hard to feel the Spirit. Chris won't let me go to another ward. I did ask to be removed from Visiting Teaching, I can't take the pressure.
Part of the reason that this was so hard for me is that I feel like it happened at the same time that  Chris was made bishop. So I felt very lonely. The 2 people I talked to the most and told everything to stopped talking to me at almost the same time.
I really have learned a lot in these past 2 years. I've gotten more independent. I've started making new friends. I've turned to the Savior. Can I say that I am grateful for this trial?...not yet. I have learned to be kinder, and treat people the way I want to treat them, even when it's hard.

But today I woke up and I realized that I couldn't dwell on any of this anymore. I need to tell myself everyday that there is no hope in mending this relationship. Not because I don't want to, but because she doesn't. I have to figure out how to be ok with that. If she came to me today and said we could be friends--I would be so happy. That is my hope, but I don't have faith in that...

I know I can and will learn from this if I allow it. I need to stay open and not let my heart get hardened. I am not the type of person to get offended. I don't get offended, and if I get hurt, it is easy for me to get over it. I am not one to hang on to things.


I don't blame her for any of this in anyway...
This is from me and my point of view, plain and simple.