Where to begin?
I went in for my ultrasound at 20 weeks... The Dr. said everything looked good, but that he couldn't get all the data that he wanted so he wanted me back in 2 weeks. I thought, cool, I get to see the baby again. Then I had a Dr's appointment in December, and they couldn't "find" my chart. I didn't think anything of it. Later that night the Dr called and dropped the bomb. (OR at least it felt like it to me at the time.)
He said that there was a light spot on the baby's heart, a calcium deposit. He said the spot meant a chromosomal abnormality. He said that when he first saw me, he said my chances of having a baby with problems was 1 in 50, and now it was 1 in 40. He wanted me to see a specialist and have another ultrasound. I spent that night crying and crying. I really didn't know what it all meant-I wasn't expecting that kind of information. I felt like they weren't upfront and honest with me from the start.
Chris came into the room while I was on the phone and he had no idea what was going on and why I was crying. He was so great. He said it didn't change anything, we would love this baby no matter how he came. That he was perfect. He held me and let me cry.
I looked up the information that I had been given on the internet and basically it meant that it was a soft indicator for Down's.
Chris gave me a blessing and in the blessing I was told several things. I was told that I was strong enough to carry this baby and that my body could and would be strong.
I was told that our Heavenly Father loves me. And that He is a God of healing. He is there for me and aware of me, but that I needed to ask for the things that I needed. I needed to demonstrate my faith in Him and come to Him. But that he was there, waiting.
It was an incredible experience for us.
We were planning our trip to AZ, but I couldn't think about anything else. I was waiting to hear from the Dr. and I didn't know if my appointment would mess up our plans for our vacation. I finally heard from the Dr. at about noon the next day. My appointment was for Jan. 5th. (yesterday) I was able to get it together and we were able to go on our vacation. Even though it was still always there in the back of my mind.
I told Emily, Lexi and Brianne about the baby and why I was crying and what I was going through. They all had the same response. They all said, "oh, ok." "We love special needs."
I was trying to figure out why I hadn't responded the same way they all had. Why I hadn't responded like Chris had. I was a bit down on myself for my own reaction. Also, I was struggling with what to pray for. If the Lord saw fit to send me a baby with Special needs, then I didn't want to change that. I wanted to pray for me to have the strength to do the Lord's will. Whatever it was-or is.
I talked to Whitney, like within hours of finding all of this out, and she was very supportive and said that we would all love this baby. He was coming to a big family that would love him and take care of him.
I was able to talk to my family while in AZ. I told Fran first. I wasn't sure if I wanted to share all of this with everyone. But it just sat there in my brain, all the time. Finally, I just let it out. I felt so much better to share it with them and feel so supported. Cheryl, Debbie and Jen all helped me a lot. Debbie put my name in the Temple and Chris put the baby's name in the Temple.
Then in Tucson, I shared my thoughts and feelings with Melanie. We had a great talk and I really appreciate the time we had together to talk through my feelings.
Anyway, the point is, I wasn't sure I wanted to share my problems, but when I did, I felt supported and lifted and they seemed to lighten the load. My mom and sisters (and sister-in-laws) were all great.
I also had a good talk with my dad and he said there was nothing wrong with praying for both, the baby and myself. That I needed to tell the Lord what I wanted, but that I also needed to be strong and willing to accept His will, whatever it was.
Many of my family members fasted on Sunday for little baby Andrew.
I went to the Dr. yesterday and had another ultrasound. Chris and I feel much better now. The specialist was much more direct and forthcoming with us. He looked at the baby and said that he didn't see any other indications of an abnormality. He said that 2 of his boys had light spots on their hearts too. He said there was a problem if it caused the heart not to close right or if it caused the blood not to flow right. Both things are ok. The heart closes fine and the blood flows fine too!! He also said to look at this as a birth mark instead of a birth defect. We were offered an amnio and also genetic counseling, but we chose not to do either of them. I didn't want to risk preterm labor with an amnio. He said that we could look at our glass 98% full or 2% empty. I feel very different today. I am going to look at this glass, this baby as healthy. We will find out in about 13 weeks, when he is born. :) p.s. He is 2 1/2 pounds.
I am thankful for this learning and growing experience. I am thankful for my loving and supportive family that is there for me. I am thankful for all the prayer and the fasting in behalf of my family. I hope they continue to the end.
I can't wait to see what the future holds for my family.
I am thankful for my loving Heavenly Father who is there for me and looking over me.
