Monday, December 28, 2015


Today was the worst day I have ever had to this point in my life. I am not joking or exaggerating.
It started out like a pretty normal day, except that I yelled at my kids for not getting their chores done and sent them to their rooms for a little while. (guilt)
Then I went to the store, when I got home, hell visiting.
Christopher and Millie made hot pockets and were sitting at the table eating them watching Kid Snippets. I was at the computer, doing nothing really, I had just sat down.
All of a sudden Christopher cries out, "MILLIE!" in a tone that I have never heard him use before. I turn around and Millie is on the ground, I go to check on her and she is not breathing. I push her hair out of the way. She is blue and her lips are purple. I try to open her mouth but her jaw is clenched so tight that I can't get it open. I start screaming!! "Millie, Millie" I scream for Rob, I scream for someone to call 911. She starts a full on seizure. That lasts for about a minute. I turn her on her back, I am trying to do CPR, I know that isn't right, but I can't get her to move. I turn her on her tummy, I try to lift her to do the Heimlich. NOTHING!! I am still screaming "MILLIE MILLIE!" Lindsey calls 911, she runs downstairs to get Rob. I turn her on her back again. I start doing CPR  again, Christopher tells me I am not doing it hard enough. He starts doing it-like a scout.  He also tells me that we need to pick her up and throw her over the arm of the chair.  Nico is screaming, "Millie don't die, MILLIE DON'T DIE." Andrew is just running around crying. Nico says, I said a prayer. I point to my room and tell him to go back in there and say another one. He and Andrew run to my room. I turn back and take over for Christopher, I don't want him to think it is his fault if she doesn't make it. She is now turning a weird color-gray and yuck. I am thinking that we don't have much time left. My thoughts are, "I am losing a child today, I am losing a child today." Rob rushes through the door, garment bottoms on, putting on his top. He grabs her. I don't know exactly what he does, I am on the floor. I'm sure he does the Heimlich and then gets the rest of the food out of her mouth. I am just PRAYING and CRYING. I know I said, "Oh my gosh." about 100 times. Finally there is a slight noise out of her. We move her hair and she is now breathing.  I look up Lexi is on with 911 as well so they get off the phone with Lindsey. Lindsey calls Chris. I try to talk to him, but I can't. Rob talks to him. I start taking her rollerblades off her feet.  All the "littles" come upstairs with them. A police officer shows up, someone else shows up. I'm bawling, the kids are bawling. The next few seconds is a blur. Lindsey takes the "littles" downstairs. Lexi hands me the phone so she can go take care of her "littles". The ambulance crew finally walk in. They start working on her and asking all the questions.  I am so relieved to see them. Millie is awake and confused. Not really responding, but out of immediate danger. She is having a lot of mini seizures. We call them blank stares. She is having them about every minute. The paramedics ask me if I want to transport her to the hospital or if I want them to do it. I don't really answer, I am just sitting there. She is still seizing so they decide that they are going to take her.  I can't even believe this just happened. Millie finally starts crying. I ask her if she is scared, she shakes her head yes. I ask her if she remembers what she was doing, she said, "I just woke up."  She then said she had just made her bed. I said, no, you did that earlier. She doesn't remember any of it. Normal I know. They start to get her ready for transport and I ask if I can go with her. They said I could go in the front seat of the ambulance. thanks. We are figuring out what to do. Rob and Lexi have to take the "littles" back to their Grandpa and Grandma's house. I need to go to the hospital. Chris is meeting us there. Lindsey stays behind with the boys. I start walking outside, I am watching the ambulance leave. I am like shocked...I don't know. I start walking out and Kyla is walking over. I see her and I start BAWLING!!! I run to her arms and can't really talk she asks me who they are taking, she saw Millie being loaded in the ambulance, but didn't know who it was. She asks me what happened. She offers to take me to the hospital. I say something.  Not really sure. I don't have my phone. I don't have my ID. I am just walking to her car, crying and trying to breath. The breathing is not working so well for me. We get to Audra's yard and she comes out too. She gives me a hug and asks what is going on. Kyla tells her. Audra tells me to breath, and that she will check on my kids at home. Kyla and I start driving. She is doing the driving also talking on the phone with Ty. I am just sitting there. NUMB. Shocked...I don't know how to describe it. She holds my hand. She tells me she loves me. I am so glad she is with me. I am so glad I am not alone. We are about halfway there and I finally say, "I don't think I could have driven myself." She starts to laugh, I think she realized that l o n g  before I did. We catch up to the ambulance. If you need to get somewhere fast, have Kyla take you, she is awesome. We get to the hospital. I just want to see Millie, I can not relax until I see her. She hasn't acted normal yet. I don't know if the seizure or her being unconscious has done any brain damage. I don't care, she didn't die, so I'll take her as she is, I just don't know what that is yet. We walk into the room and she is responsive. She is doing great. She even starts joking with her dad. Rob and Lexi come in, Bri and Em come in. Ty  and baby Bryden come in. I am so glad to see them all. The nurses are there. A youth advocate of some sort is there. The Dr. comes in and talks to us. He orders blood work.  The blood work is ordered and then we just wait. But it's ok, she is fine now. I am so glad to have everyone around. It is so comforting. I don't have my phone so I ask Lexi to call Grandma.
Camille starts to punk me now, she looks at me and starts to twitch her head. I grab her and say her name. She starts to laugh. I tell her it is too soon, but I am glad to see that she is her silly self.
The blood work comes back normal. They don't think she had a Grand Mal seizure they think it was related to the fall a concessionary seizure. We need to take her to a neurologist to be sure. And we can go home now. yeah!
It is so good to be home. The kids all hug Millie. We all cry some more. Sam is finally home. I didn't even have my phone to tell her, but she found out a little bit somehow. Morley's had brought over pizza and salad for the kids. Grandma came over to help with the kids. Lindsey said she was so glad when GG came, she was so worried and was glad she wasn't the oldest one home anymore. Sis. Clare sent a text to see what was going on, she saw the ambulance in our driveway too.
We can't go to bed. We are all exhausted but also so grateful to be together. We pile onto my bed and Chris says we should watch Star Wars. haha! It is so late 10:30. We go into the front room and watch Star Wars together. Nico is still shocked, he isn't acting right. He already has a fear of death and this just multiplied it by 6!  I try to talk to him about it, I ask him if he is still nervous. He says yes. His eyes are holding pain and fright in them. I just hold him for a few minutes. He won't leave my side. Poor kid.
I am sure I'll add details to this as they come up, but it was the most horrific moment of my life. When we get home, Christopher tells Mille that they were watching the tablet together and Millie says, "Oh yeah." I asked Christopher what was going on before she fell and he is not real sure. He thought she was punking him until she was on the ground. I then asked him how long she was on the ground before he screamed her name, he said, like a second.

Another major part of this story is, Rob wasn't even supposed to be home, he was supposed to be at work. MIRACLE!

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Where I am today.

I have a new outlook, a new beginning, a new perspective on life today.
I don't know where to begin, or how to begin, I'm a little afraid to begin. It seems as though everything I do right now is perceived wrong. I am always rethinking my thoughts before I say them, and worried about who is going to be offended and if I am saying something right. It's a hard way to live. But today is different.

I woke up and decided that I needed to let go. I needed to stop trying to fix something that is so wrong and messed up in my life. I can't fix it, so I need to let it go. It is hard to let something go when that something is a person. I person that I love.  A person that meant a whole lot to me. How do you just let go?

It's been 2 years, 2 years since my best friend decided we weren't friends anymore. I don't know how that happens to be quite honest. I don't know how you care about someone and then you don't.  I think the hardest part for me is not knowing why. I wish that I could at least have a chance to fix things, a chance to let her see the real me and understand where I am coming from and a chance to understand her pain. But I know now that-that is never going to happen. I know that this is how it is, this is where things are and I have to learn to live with it and move forward. I think today, I finally can.

It seems to me that everything I do now is wrong. If I say hi, it's wrong, if I don't, it's wrong. I can never get out of the red because my very presence causes a problem. It is very sad and very hard emotionally. I am not saying this in any way to sound like I am mad at this person, or that I think she is a jerk. That is not my intention at all. I am just trying to show how lost I am and how lost I feel. Or how lost I was and how lost I felt. It's hard to try to fix something over and over and finally realize it's not going to be fixed.

What this has done to me physically: I have put on a lot of weight, to protect myself. I have heart palpitations. My heart beats really fast for a little while almost every day now. I have 2 twitches one in my fingers and one in my eye.  I have to take an extra breath every now and then.(Like when you've been crying really hard) I do cry, almost every day.
Emotionally: I fight my feelings of  hurt, and anger constantly. I am brought back to my childhood when I felt unlovable and unwanted. I have fought not being good enough and not mattering to anyone my whole life. I have worked through it, I just got leveled again and it was hard.
Spiritually: I have had to search for peace and understanding. I know what the Atonement can do and I find it hard to understand why it doesn't apply to me in this case. It's hard to go to church. I am already under a microscope as it is, now I have contention in a place that is supposed to be peaceful and spiritual. There is no peace and it is often hard to feel the Spirit. Chris won't let me go to another ward. I did ask to be removed from Visiting Teaching, I can't take the pressure.
Part of the reason that this was so hard for me is that I feel like it happened at the same time that  Chris was made bishop. So I felt very lonely. The 2 people I talked to the most and told everything to stopped talking to me at almost the same time.
I really have learned a lot in these past 2 years. I've gotten more independent. I've started making new friends. I've turned to the Savior. Can I say that I am grateful for this trial?...not yet. I have learned to be kinder, and treat people the way I want to treat them, even when it's hard.

But today I woke up and I realized that I couldn't dwell on any of this anymore. I need to tell myself everyday that there is no hope in mending this relationship. Not because I don't want to, but because she doesn't. I have to figure out how to be ok with that. If she came to me today and said we could be friends--I would be so happy. That is my hope, but I don't have faith in that...

I know I can and will learn from this if I allow it. I need to stay open and not let my heart get hardened. I am not the type of person to get offended. I don't get offended, and if I get hurt, it is easy for me to get over it. I am not one to hang on to things.

I don't blame her for any of this in anyway...
This is from me and my point of view, plain and simple.

Thursday, November 12, 2015

1 Nephi 14:7

For the time cometh, saith the Lamb of God, that I will work a great and a marvelous work among the children of men; a work which shall be everlasting, either on the one hand or on the other—either to the convincing of them unto peace and life eternal, or unto the deliverance of them to the hardness of their hearts and the blindness of their minds unto their being brought down into captivity, and also into destruction, both temporally and spiritually, according to the captivity of the devil, of which I have spoken.

This is one of the scriptures we studied in school this week. It really impacted me reading it this time.

This is the Lord talking, he says that he has a great and marvelous work among the children of men.
Great and marvelous, great means just that-great. Marvelous is unimaginable. So beyond what we can comprehend.

This work is going to be everlasting to man. Everlasting-permanent, doesn't change.
So this work will be everlasting to will either bring them peace and everlasting life...OR unto the deliverance of them to the hardness of their hearts, and the blindness of their minds. That one word makes all the difference...or unto the deliverance of them TO the hardness of their hearts and the blindness of their minds. They will be given back all of their troubles. The things they didn't let the Lord take for them, he will give back to them to figure out and pay the price for all on their own. With that they are brought down into captivity and destruction, both temporally and spiritually.

That is a lot of information in one scripture.

Saturday, October 10, 2015


The first picture is a meme that I saw, the second picture is what my brain saw:

So here are some photographs of people that I love!
(some I took and some I stole)

so, my computer was slow and didn't get all the pictures I uploaded, if I missed people...please tell me, I will find the ones I had an upload them...