Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Where I am today.

I have a new outlook, a new beginning, a new perspective on life today.
I don't know where to begin, or how to begin, I'm a little afraid to begin. It seems as though everything I do right now is perceived wrong. I am always rethinking my thoughts before I say them, and worried about who is going to be offended and if I am saying something right. It's a hard way to live. But today is different.

I woke up and decided that I needed to let go. I needed to stop trying to fix something that is so wrong and messed up in my life. I can't fix it, so I need to let it go. It is hard to let something go when that something is a person. I person that I love.  A person that meant a whole lot to me. How do you just let go?

It's been 2 years, 2 years since my best friend decided we weren't friends anymore. I don't know how that happens to be quite honest. I don't know how you care about someone and then you don't.  I think the hardest part for me is not knowing why. I wish that I could at least have a chance to fix things, a chance to let her see the real me and understand where I am coming from and a chance to understand her pain. But I know now that-that is never going to happen. I know that this is how it is, this is where things are and I have to learn to live with it and move forward. I think today, I finally can.

It seems to me that everything I do now is wrong. If I say hi, it's wrong, if I don't, it's wrong. I can never get out of the red because my very presence causes a problem. It is very sad and very hard emotionally. I am not saying this in any way to sound like I am mad at this person, or that I think she is a jerk. That is not my intention at all. I am just trying to show how lost I am and how lost I feel. Or how lost I was and how lost I felt. It's hard to try to fix something over and over and finally realize it's not going to be fixed.

What this has done to me physically: I have put on a lot of weight, to protect myself. I have heart palpitations. My heart beats really fast for a little while almost every day now. I have 2 twitches one in my fingers and one in my eye.  I have to take an extra breath every now and then.(Like when you've been crying really hard) I do cry, almost every day.
Emotionally: I fight my feelings of  hurt, and anger constantly. I am brought back to my childhood when I felt unlovable and unwanted. I have fought not being good enough and not mattering to anyone my whole life. I have worked through it, I just got leveled again and it was hard.
Spiritually: I have had to search for peace and understanding. I know what the Atonement can do and I find it hard to understand why it doesn't apply to me in this case. It's hard to go to church. I am already under a microscope as it is, now I have contention in a place that is supposed to be peaceful and spiritual. There is no peace and it is often hard to feel the Spirit. Chris won't let me go to another ward. I did ask to be removed from Visiting Teaching, I can't take the pressure.
Part of the reason that this was so hard for me is that I feel like it happened at the same time that  Chris was made bishop. So I felt very lonely. The 2 people I talked to the most and told everything to stopped talking to me at almost the same time.
I really have learned a lot in these past 2 years. I've gotten more independent. I've started making new friends. I've turned to the Savior. Can I say that I am grateful for this trial?...not yet. I have learned to be kinder, and treat people the way I want to treat them, even when it's hard.

But today I woke up and I realized that I couldn't dwell on any of this anymore. I need to tell myself everyday that there is no hope in mending this relationship. Not because I don't want to, but because she doesn't. I have to figure out how to be ok with that. If she came to me today and said we could be friends--I would be so happy. That is my hope, but I don't have faith in that...

I know I can and will learn from this if I allow it. I need to stay open and not let my heart get hardened. I am not the type of person to get offended. I don't get offended, and if I get hurt, it is easy for me to get over it. I am not one to hang on to things.

I don't blame her for any of this in anyway...
This is from me and my point of view, plain and simple.

Thursday, November 12, 2015

1 Nephi 14:7

For the time cometh, saith the Lamb of God, that I will work a great and a marvelous work among the children of men; a work which shall be everlasting, either on the one hand or on the other—either to the convincing of them unto peace and life eternal, or unto the deliverance of them to the hardness of their hearts and the blindness of their minds unto their being brought down into captivity, and also into destruction, both temporally and spiritually, according to the captivity of the devil, of which I have spoken.

This is one of the scriptures we studied in school this week. It really impacted me reading it this time.

This is the Lord talking, he says that he has a great and marvelous work among the children of men.
Great and marvelous, great means just that-great. Marvelous is unimaginable. So beyond what we can comprehend.

This work is going to be everlasting to man. Everlasting-permanent, doesn't change.
So this work will be everlasting to will either bring them peace and everlasting life...OR unto the deliverance of them to the hardness of their hearts, and the blindness of their minds. That one word makes all the difference...or unto the deliverance of them TO the hardness of their hearts and the blindness of their minds. They will be given back all of their troubles. The things they didn't let the Lord take for them, he will give back to them to figure out and pay the price for all on their own. With that they are brought down into captivity and destruction, both temporally and spiritually.

That is a lot of information in one scripture.