Friday, October 7, 2022

 The day God taught me about mercy, grace and love.

Backstory: Rob and Lexi had their baby Porter on Sunday night Oct. 2nd.
He was having trouble with his breathing so they took him to the Dr. on Monday the 3rd and he was taken to Utah Valley hospital and has been there ever since. 

Thursday Oct. 6th.
We had a late night trying to get the kids to bed and just the stress of the week, so we slept in. We were in the kitchen getting ready to make breakfast but we needed a few things so Emily went to the store. We get a text from Rob asking if someone can bring the kids up to the hospital so that they can spend some time with them.  I tell Chris that I don't know if I'm going to be able to do that, the boys have a game at 3:30 and I have to make cheese chowder for the football dinner afterwards. Em gets home from the store and we start frantically making the chowder. I tell her to go to the hospital and I'll finish the chowder. She says that she'll make the chowder and that I should go because I haven't been able to make it up there yet and she has. It seems like the best solution because her boys can't go in anyway. 
It's 1:30 and I leave to take the kids to the hospital and I stop and get Costa for them.  I get into the hospital at about 2:15. Em sends me a video saying that the chowder is thick but that she thinks she burnt it too. Lexi says she's going to take me back to see Porter. Livia gets upset and wants to come, Lexi reassures her that we will only be a few minutes. We head to the NICU. It's probably about 3:00. She tells me not to bring anything with me because if I do, I have to sanitize it.  I was my hands and nails and we go in. Lexi picks up Porter and hugs on him for a few minutes and then hands him to me. A nurse comes over and just starts saying all these things, "he's not eating well, he's not sleeping well, he's over stimulated..." on and on...for at least 5 minutes. Lexi is agreeing with her and I'm just sitting there looking at Porter. She looks over at me and says wow, he's doing really good right now. Do you think Grandma could sit here and hold him for an hour or so? He needs really good sleep. I look at Lexi and I'm like, of course, I will do anything for this baby. I look at the clock. It's 3:20. I think to myself. I've got time. They will figure out the soup.  They've got me.  I'll be done at like 4:30 and can get the soup to the school by 5:45 easy. If not, they've got me, they will get it there.
So I sit very still for the next hour and a half to give this baby some good sleep. My arm is completely numb.  A nurse comes over and puts my feet up and that helps a little. 
At 4:45 the nurse comes back to take Porter from me. She thanks me and says that he hasn't sleep that sound since he's been here. I get the kids and head home. I see that I have a message from Em and I call Chris. I am in a bit of a panic, they haven't done anything about the soup.  Em doesn't like cheese chowder so she doesn't really know what it's suppose to taste like. Chris says it tastes "smokey. "I ask Chris to go to Costco and get some chicken noodle soup. He doesn't want to, but he does.  Driving home I am getting frustrated. I am thinking, they can't tell if soup is burnt? They didn't get more soup? What? Can't they do anything without me?  I get home and I realize Em is mad at me. Chris gets back from Costco and is also mad at me. It's 5:50 and I'm suppose to have soup at the school already.  I am ticked, they are ticked. I pour the soup into the pan and I am thinking, this is getting us no where. I turn to Chris and I say, "I'm sorry." He says "what"? I muster the courage and humility to say it again, "I'm sorry." He says, "Thanks" and in that very moment I realize that he doesn't feel the need to apologize. He thinks this IS my fault and that I am in the wrong.  I take a breath and realize we see this completely different. I am not even mad anymore.  What a moment. I don't try to explain myself or anything. I walk to Em and I apologize to her as well. She doesn't say anything.  I get the soup and go to the school. I am thinking about the situation the whole way there and the whole way home. My perspective and their perspective. They are completely different. Completely.  I am astounded at the difference in our ideas of what is going on. They didn't sign up to make the soup. They didn't know where to take the soup or when to take the soup for that matter.  I am in awe at the lesson I am in the middle of learning. Mercy. I need to extend mercy. and grace and love. They didn't do anything wrong. They were only trying to help me. But I didn't see it that way at first. I was just mad that they didn't get the soup situation worked out without me. I sit in the truck and just cry and cry. I am so sad that I was ever mad. I decide to open my scriptures...pray to talk to God. Read your scriptures to have God talk to you. I opened it to 1 Corinthians Chapter 13.  Charity. Thank you God! Thank you for teaching me. 
I walk into the house and it's obvious that I've been crying. Em walks over and starts crying too and says she is sorry and she was trying to help, she didn't know how to make the soup and she didn't mean to burn it. I say, I \know, I am sorry. I don't care about the soup. We are good. We both talk about our perspectives and we work through it.  
I have learned that people really just want to be heard. I don't need to explain my side of things. I just need to extend mercy and grace and love.(Charity) It doesn't even really matter how I feel about it. I just need to make sure the other person knows that I love them and that their feelings matter to me. 

I am just grateful for this lesson and what it has taught me. See people, understand people, if they are upset--it is because of the way they are seeing things. I don't need to explain my side of things. I just need to make sure they feel loved. That they feel heard. I offer grace and I offer mercy.  Christ is the ultimate gift giver.

Wednesday, August 17, 2022

 The day God taught me about prayer and repentance.

Backstory: I was mingling in energy healing. I have gone to a chiropractor and I have done sessions in energy work.

For the past several years I have had this constant inner voice nagging me and bringing me down. I had a constant conversation in my head about everything that I do wrong. Everything that I say wrong. All my faults, my shortcomings. It was painful. I didn't know how to get rid of it. I would try to do things to feel happy and to have joy, but nothing worked I was always sad. I didn't understand how people could feel happy. There was so much commotion. My inner voice was mean and harsh and negative. 

I was talking with Lexi and we were talking about the dangers of energy healing and how people think they are getting rid of baggage and they are clearing out trauma. The problem is, you open up your soul to deceivers.  False spirits of light. You think you are getting rid of evil spirits but more come back that act like spirits of light but turn out to be worse than what you thought you got rid of. It is a very dark place.

We then talked about repentance. I didn't even think I had something to repent of. I didn't think I was doing anything necessarily wrong. 

I was wrong. 

I was trusting in the arm of flesh. I was not using the priesthood properly. I was looking to others for answers and for healing. 

I decided to pray.  I decided to repent. I decided to ask for forgiveness. In an instant. I was forgiven. In an instant that evil spirit left me and in an instant the negative voice in my head was gone. I haven't heard the nagging words since. It has been such a relief!!  I can't believe that all I had to do was ask for forgiveness and it was taken. I can't believe I brought all of this on myself.  But boy am I glad that it is over.

If things are not going the way you think they should. If you are having a nagging voice. Pray. Repent. 

We have a lot of things that we need to be repenting about that we are blaming other people for when in reality it is our own problem. Jesus is the answer. Jesus is the healer. He is always there, waiting for us to come to him and repent. He already paid the price for everything we are going through. He knows how to succor us. We just need to turn to Him and let Him.