Happy Father's Day Dad

Happy Father's Day!

Today marks a new type of Father's Day for me. This is the first one that I celebrate my dad not here on this earth.  It's different, but it's also the same. I still have great lessons that I think about. I still love him. I just can't give him a hug and tell him so.

   My dad was really good at deep doctrinal conversations. We would often be found on my parents bed in a discussion. There were many. My parents were (mom still is) very good at holding FHE every week. I think that is one of the things I miss the most, I could always count of my dad to want to talk to me about the gospel.

When I was in high school I have a very distinct memory of going into his office and talking to him. I would sit on the floor while he was working on his computer and I would just talk to him. This particular time I had taken a notebook full of scriptures that I had read, and marked and asked him to help me organize them. Little did I know that he would take on this project and give me a book of my scriptures-beyond my expectations. He not only organized them for me, but he even indexed them and then printed the 75 pages. Paper was an important resource and you didn't just take paper from his office.

My dad talked a lot about unconditional love and about trust. He said no one can "earn your trust."  Trust is just given. It wasn't about the other person-at all. If someone does something that breaks your trust it's because of your own beliefs, it's your own expectations. I didn't really understand what he meant. I am beginning to understand his words. I can't live by someone else's "rules" there is no way I could ever know all of their expectations and their beliefs. I can only live by my beliefs and my expectations. I know those. I trust my husband. It's not because he is not going to do things that I don't like-or fall short of  meeting my expectations. But that's just it-those are my beliefs and my expectations. It goes right along with unconditional love. I love him-unconditionally.  Will we have problems? Yes. will we get through them? Most definitely yes.

My dad also treated people the way he felt they should be treated. He was kind to others regardless of how they treated him. He said he was the one in charge of his emotions. No one could make him mad, or sad. He got to choose how he would react. I didn't understand this one very well either. I am beginning to though. I can be happy and choose positive things, no matter what is happening.

My dad cherished my mom. I never heard him say anything bad about her and would sing her praises any chance he had. I know his desire is to be with her again, just as much as my mom wishes to be with him.

My dad has an unwavering testimony of Jesus Christ. He is His personal Savior and he bore testimony of him often. He knows the Gospel is true and would tell me so.

I don't know how many times I went to my dad in tears. I am a crier-so it was probably a million. He made me feel like he wanted me to come to him. He would listen and counsel with me. I felt love from him. He would tell me he was proud of me, he would tell me I was strong, he would tell me that I was on the right track and I was doing the right things. He was a huge support and comfort to me.  I am grateful for his kind manner, his calm energy. He has always been my rock, my compass and my anchor.

The last lesson I was able to learn from my dad was the one he gave me the day before he passed away. I was able to spend about an hour alone with him. He talked to me about our family and how they were his biggest blessing. He told me how much he loved everyone. He told me not to forget to stop and smell the roses. Then he grabbed my hand, after squeezing it and giving a chuckle he said, "I know you do." He was very contemplative that day.  He couldn't say enough about the family. He wanted it known that he loved his family, that he cherished his relationships and that he loved us all.

When I left that evening-he took my hand again and he didn't let go until I leaned in and kissed his forehead. I am so grateful for him for that. I have no regrets because of his awareness. I hugged him, I kissed him, I told him that I love him. But even more than that-he loves me. He loves all of his children and grandchildren and great grandchildren. I know because he told me himself, he is also proud of them all.  Again, I know that because he told me that over and over and over.

These past few months have been hard for me. I have missed him everyday. I want to keep his lessons in my memory.

The day my dad died.

Sept. 2nd.
It started Tues. Aug. 23rd.
He woke up and had a pain, it went from his the left side of his heart, to his right leg. Chris was on the phone talking to him and my dad said he couldn't talk anymore. Chris said we should go check on him. By the time we got to the house, my mom had already taken him to the Emergency Room. We went to the Hospital and found my mom in the parking lot. She had been trying to call me. (5times starting at 8:14)We went in and saw dad. He was feeling pretty good because he was on Morphine. We didn't think much of it and Chris went to work. I had to go get my phone and charger because my mom's phone wasn't working. I put the message on facebook for my family and within 3 minutes my brother Jared called. I was telling him what the Dr. was saying and finally I gave the phone to the Dr. and let him talk to Jared. I knew things were bad when Jared said he was coming immediately.
They decided to send him to Utah Valley so that  he would be close to his Dr.  They told us that he had a dissected aneurysm and that it went through his previous stent in his abdomen. Mom wanted him to have a blessing before they transferred him to Provo. The paramedic that was moving him gave my mom a very strange look. Joe Prior came and gave him a blessing.
Linette needed a car so mom and I decided that we would both drive to meet Linette and then I would drive her to the rest of the way to the hospital. When I saw Linette, I totally and completely lost it. I started crying and telling her that it was really bad.
We get to the hospital (about 10:00) and the ambulance is unloading dad. So I let mom out and go park the car. I have to find out where mom is, and someone helps me. We get to their room and there are a lot of Drs. and nurses buzzing around. They don't leave him. There is one sitting and monitoring him the whole time. We later find out that this nurses name is Mindy and she becomes a good friend to mom. I am trying to update the family and comfort mom. She goes in and out of waves of sadness. Dad is getting medicine to lower his blood pressure. They are really worried that he will bleed out. His renal artery is also affected and it is causing problems for his kidney as well.  They were also checking his legs a lot to see if he still has feeling in his toes...I later find out that they are worried about paralysis. They get his PICC line in and ART line after a bit of trouble. It's about 12:00 and he is finally resting. The Dr. comes in at about 12:30 and explains all the problems dad is having right now. It is so much to take in and I don't know what much of it means. I wish Jared was there already.
I tease my mom about being in her house dress. I tell her that she is going to be so embarrassed later when she remembers how she looks. Jared gets to the hospital and I am so happy to see him. I know things are not good because he came so fast, but I am grateful for his company and knowledge. My dad is going to have surgery on Thurs. He needs a stent on his thoracic aorta. We are kind of freaking out a little bit. My dad starts throwing up and he is cold. :(  Linette gets to the hospital and I decide to go home and see my children. (About 4:15pm) Dad gets more visitors that night and he is awake and eating ice chips. My mom heads home at about 10.

Wed. Aug. 24th Two of my sisters are coming into town and so is another brother. The Drs. do another CT scan on my dad and there isn't much change. A lot of medical terms and decisions. He is very swollen because they are pumping lots of fluids into him. I am trying to get numbers and messages out for mom and I am also trying to keep his siblings updated. Marlin gives dad a blessing for his upcoming surgery.  I head home to get my kids so they can see Grandpa before he has surgery. I have a very sweet experience with Christopher. I am looking for clean clothes for Andrew and I open the door to the boys room. I find Christopher kneeling at his bed. I tell him sorry and start to shut the door. He sits up, puts his face into his pillow and starts to cry. On the way to the hospital he says that Grandpa is going to be ok. I ask him how he knows and he says, "I don't know, but I'm not sad." I love that so much. It brought me so much comfort and his sweet, simple expression amazed me.
He had lots of visitors again. He really appreciated that.
Thurs. Aug 25th.  He had surgery in the morning. I got to the hospital at about 9:00. No one was there yet. I called my mom and they were on their way. My dad's surgery started at about 8:30. He was done at about 10:30.  It took him a long time to recover. He hated his breathing tube and wanted it out. We didn't even get to see him until about 2. He was so stressed out.  He was trying to talk to us but we couldn't figure out what he wanted to tell us. We kept trying to reassure him that we would take care of whatever the problem was. He would write on paper, but it was chicken scratch. We finally decided that he didn't like his breathing tube, and that there was a problem with at work. My mom called his boss Randall. We went back into his room and this time he was much more clear. He was really struggling on the breathing tube and if we didn't take it out he would die. He was so upset. He was writing in all caps and very big and clear this time. He said, "Believe Me!"  I went out of his room to get Marlin and Jared. They were able to get the Dr to agree to take the tube out. My dad improved after that. He was still swollen from all the fluid and was pretty miserable that day.
Thursday, Sept. 1st   Was a really good day for my dad. I got to spend some time with him all by myself. I got there at about 2:30 and no one was there. I sat with him and talked with him. He looked so good and was so calm and peaceful.  He talked a lot about how great his life is and that he was happy. His eyes were so clear and blue. He was just peaceful. He said it was his best day yet since being in the hospital. He told me to be sure to take the time to smell the roses on my way throughout this life. I told him that I fed calves that morning. He laughed, and said well that sure is taking time to smell the roses.  He would look off and contemplate a lot. I kept asking him what he was thinking about, but he never did tell me. I can only describe him as peaceful. Mom, Danette and Chris got there. He was talking about how much he loves his family. He said that his family was his greatest blessing. He talked about how all of his children are happy and married in the temple. He said that we have our problems, but nothing really big and that all of his grandkids were doing so well. He  was very grateful for that and for the love that he felt from everyone. He said from those near and far. He would cry every time he mentioned all the love and support he was feeling. Not just at this time, but he mentioned it several times throughout his hospital stay.  Chris and I had ward temple night at 6:30 so we had to go. I squeezed my dad's hand and told him that I loved him and we left.
At the temple, I just couldn't stop the tears. They would just fall from my eyes every now and then. When I got to the end of the ceremony and as I stepped into the Celestial room I was bawling uncontrollably. I was so embarrassed. Chris found a corner for us to "hid" in and members of our ward kept coming and hugging me. I was just crying and crying. I felt like I knew that my dad wasn't going to make it. I didn't want to say it out loud and I didn't want to be negative about it, but I feel like sitting through that session was a witness to me that he wouldn't. We were heading home when my mom called and said that they were going to give dad a blessing before his surgery in the morning. And that they  would just ask a nurse to help Kelly give it. I told Chris that I wanted to go and that I wanted them to wait for us. We got there and he was given a blessing. He mentioned his family again. As we were leaving I squeezed his hand again and tried to leave. He held onto my hand and pulled me in for a hug.  I kissed his forehead and told him that I love him. He told me he loved me too. I wanted to say, See you tomorrow, but I couldn't and squeezed his hand again. We left ICU and were standing in the hall saying our goodbyes to each other and I said, we didn't get a picture of grandpa tonight to put on facebook for all the grandkids. I have to get a picture. I didn't have my phone so I used Chris'. I went back into his room and the nurses were already getting him comfortable for the night. I said dad, I need to get a picture of  you to send out tonight. He smiled and immediately took off his oxygen mask and his monitor off his finger and got ready for his picture. I also found out that the Dr was more worried about getting him to Friday to perform the surgery than the surgery itself.
Friday, Sept. 2nd   He was to have another surgery to repair the stent in his  stomach. His surgery was scheduled from about 8:30-12:30. I was at the store when I got the message that there were complications.  Brianne drove me to the hospital. I got there and found mom and everyone else waiting in a conference room. She said  the Dr. said it didn't look good. It was a hard time for all of us. Chris got there as well. The Dr. came in at about 12:00 and said things were not going well. That he wasn't going to make it. They were still doing CPR and my mom told them to stop. The Dr was teary. My mom hugged him and told him she knows he did all he could and left. We all just sat there, and then cried. My mom was sitting and crying and then screamed out, "He's gone, oh, he's gone." and then cried again.  Then she asked us to sing, I Stand All amazed."  We started calling family and telling them that he had passed away. We didn't ever get a final word, but we all knew. After a time, we called to find out what was going on and we were able to go see him. That was hard. really hard. There was a tinge of hope until then, hope of a miracle. Mom hugged him. We all told him goodbye. There were a lot of people that came to the hospital. Kage, Dustin and Kalli and Clara. Anne Marie and Briche, Andrea and JoJean, Maddi and Brock.
Emily was on her way and got the news while she was driving. :( Chris went home to tell the kids face to face. He came back, Brianne and Derrick were there. Em and Ty were there later.

Update on Camille

Camille has had a total of 5 seizures. The last one she had was yesterday.
 It's very difficult to explain what is going on around here now...we are all on edge...all the time. We are always watching her and if she makes a funny move, or pauses for a second we all jump and react. If she is resting on me and slouches just a little, I check on her, if her fingers flinch, I check on her. She can't go anywhere alone. She is rather sick of us watching her every move, but what other choice do we have? So far we have been able to catch her when she goes unconscious and we've been able to prevent injury.
Her seizures:
The first one was already blogged in great detail. Dec. 28th.
The second one was Feb. 12th. Chris and I were not home so the kids called us. They also called 911. We took her to the hospital, but ended up going home because she was back to normal before they could get us in. Sam witnessed her first one, she freaked a little at first. Then realized she was the oldest one home and had to go help.
The 3rd one was on Feb. 18th. We were at the church playing basketball. She started looking at the lights on the ceiling as if she had never seen them before and she was spinning around slowly. I was watching her, it was odd so I walked over to her to see what she was doing, but she was not there...she was already unconscious. I grabbed her and laid her down and she started convulsing. She was hitting her head on the ground so I cradled it in my arms. It always seems so long, but really it's about 30 seconds. Then she is unconscious without the convulsing for another 20 seconds. They have all been different from the first one in that she is breathing during her seizure and you can hear her. The first one she was choking and turning blue-gray. The boys ran out of the gym, scared and crying. She is really out of it when she comes around. We wait about 20 minutes and then we sit her up so she can breath better. After about an hour we move her and we get her home. She is still not 100% yet. We ask her a lot of questions, and try to figure out what she remembers last. We always ask her what her favorite color is...pink. She has a lot of her little absence seizures during this time. 1 every 3 to 4 minutes. Sometimes more. She also cries a lot when she first comes out of one and she moves her legs a lot and moans. She also puts her hands around her face, especially her mouth. She holds her lips funny and her tongue doesn't work very well. Then she complains about her stomach and she feels like she is going to puke, if we move her to fast, she does. When we get home, she sleeps for about 3 hours.
Her 4th one was on our Anniversary in Vegas. Again, Chris and I weren't there, (Chris hasn't had to see one yet) so the kids call us. (we were at a stupid timeshare meeting)  She was in the bathroom curling her hair, but Nico was watching her and he said she was looking at the lights again. He went out to tell the bigger girls and when they all came in she was slumped over the tub. Both hands were in the tub but she didn't hit her head which is a major blessing. Sam got her out of the tub and laid her on the ground. She does the same stuff...convulses, moans, moves her legs, cries, wants to puke. It's awful. It takes her about an hour to recover and she is very tired. It's hard to watch. It's hard to feel helpless.
The 5th one was yesterday, the 28th. She was getting ready to go to GG's house. Some of us were in the van already. She had gotten a strawberry, walked outside to the front step and started her slow spinning. I started screaming, "she's spinning." and Christopher and Lindsey took off running. I was parked way down the driveway. I yelled, "catch her." Lindsey gets to her right as she is starting to fall. We all get there and Lindsey is like, where do I put her. So she lays her on the ground and she starts convulsing. And making a really weird noise, the noise while convulsing...ugh   I am just so thankful that Lindsey got to her she was on the cement steps. I am also amazed that while she was spinning (it's very slow) she didn't step off the top step and fall. She has her seizure and we are trying to talk to her. We ask her what day it is and she says Tues. We tell her that it is Sunday and then ask her again. She says she knows, but can't think of it. We tell her again that it is Sunday. We ask her again and she can't tell us. It's awful. I cry every time. I tell Lindsey that I can't believe she made it to her in time. I am just so thankful. Lindsey says she doesn't know how she did it and that she doesn't feel winded. We decided that Grand-dad pushed her along. Nico starts crying and he says that he knows angels are watching over her every time she has a seizure. We decide it's Grand-dad again.  We turn her around so that her head is higher than the rest of her. We sit her up. After about 30 mins we bring her inside. She is so tired. She rests for another 30 mins. I ask her if she is ready to go to GG's for dinner. She says yes, but we shouldn't have moved her yet, she pukes in the car on the way over (I had a chip bag in the car thankfully) and then sleeps for about an hour at GG's house. The strawberry is still on the front step where she dropped it. :(
Nico, Christopher and Andrew are all in, I don't know, distress. They can't sleep at night, they cry about things, question things. Christopher has major anxiety right now. But my sweet Lindsey is struggling too. She is always by my side. She is quiet but observant. She is so quiet. She is really struggling in her own way. It was just her and I on the way home from GG's and we both just cried. We didn't talk, we didn't have to. I am surprised at how much this affects all of us.  I am always on edge. We all are.

WORST. DAY. EVER!!!!!

Today was the worst day I have ever had to this point in my life. I am not joking or exaggerating.
It started out like a pretty normal day, except that I yelled at my kids for not getting their chores done and sent them to their rooms for a little while. (guilt)
Then I went to the store, when I got home, hell visiting.
Christopher and Millie made hot pockets and were sitting at the table eating them watching Kid Snippets. I was at the computer, doing nothing really, I had just sat down.
All of a sudden Christopher cries out, "MILLIE!" in a tone that I have never heard him use before. I turn around and Millie is on the ground, I go to check on her and she is not breathing. I push her hair out of the way. She is blue and her lips are purple. I try to open her mouth but her jaw is clenched so tight that I can't get it open. I start screaming!! "Millie, Millie" I scream for Rob, I scream for someone to call 911. She starts a full on seizure. That lasts for about a minute. I turn her on her back, I am trying to do CPR, I know that isn't right, but I can't get her to move. I turn her on her tummy, I try to lift her to do the Heimlich. NOTHING!! I am still screaming "MILLIE MILLIE!" Lindsey calls 911, she runs downstairs to get Rob. I turn her on her back again. I start doing CPR  again, Christopher tells me I am not doing it hard enough. He starts doing it-like a scout.  He also tells me that we need to pick her up and throw her over the arm of the chair.  Nico is screaming, "Millie don't die, MILLIE DON'T DIE." Andrew is just running around crying. Nico says, I said a prayer. I point to my room and tell him to go back in there and say another one. He and Andrew run to my room. I turn back and take over for Christopher, I don't want him to think it is his fault if she doesn't make it. She is now turning a weird color-gray and yuck. I am thinking that we don't have much time left. My thoughts are, "I am losing a child today, I am losing a child today." Rob rushes through the door, garment bottoms on, putting on his top. He grabs her. I don't know exactly what he does, I am on the floor. I'm sure he does the Heimlich and then gets the rest of the food out of her mouth. I am just PRAYING and CRYING. I know I said, "Oh my gosh." about 100 times. Finally there is a slight noise out of her. We move her hair and she is now breathing.  I look up Lexi is on with 911 as well so they get off the phone with Lindsey. Lindsey calls Chris. I try to talk to him, but I can't. Rob talks to him. I start taking her rollerblades off her feet.  All the "littles" come upstairs with them. A police officer shows up, someone else shows up. I'm bawling, the kids are bawling. The next few seconds is a blur. Lindsey takes the "littles" downstairs. Lexi hands me the phone so she can go take care of her "littles". The ambulance crew finally walk in. They start working on her and asking all the questions.  I am so relieved to see them. Millie is awake and confused. Not really responding, but out of immediate danger. She is having a lot of mini seizures. We call them blank stares. She is having them about every minute. The paramedics ask me if I want to transport her to the hospital or if I want them to do it. I don't really answer, I am just sitting there. She is still seizing so they decide that they are going to take her.  I can't even believe this just happened. Millie finally starts crying. I ask her if she is scared, she shakes her head yes. I ask her if she remembers what she was doing, she said, "I just woke up."  She then said she had just made her bed. I said, no, you did that earlier. She doesn't remember any of it. Normal I know. They start to get her ready for transport and I ask if I can go with her. They said I could go in the front seat of the ambulance. Nah...no thanks. We are figuring out what to do. Rob and Lexi have to take the "littles" back to their Grandpa and Grandma's house. I need to go to the hospital. Chris is meeting us there. Lindsey stays behind with the boys. I start walking outside, I am watching the ambulance leave. I am like shocked...I don't know. I start walking out and Kyla is walking over. I see her and I start BAWLING!!! I run to her arms and can't really talk she asks me who they are taking, she saw Millie being loaded in the ambulance, but didn't know who it was. She asks me what happened. She offers to take me to the hospital. I say something.  Not really sure. I don't have my phone. I don't have my ID. I am just walking to her car, crying and trying to breath. The breathing is not working so well for me. We get to Audra's yard and she comes out too. She gives me a hug and asks what is going on. Kyla tells her. Audra tells me to breath, and that she will check on my kids at home. Kyla and I start driving. She is doing the driving also talking on the phone with Ty. I am just sitting there. NUMB. Shocked...I don't know how to describe it. She holds my hand. She tells me she loves me. I am so glad she is with me. I am so glad I am not alone. We are about halfway there and I finally say, "I don't think I could have driven myself." She starts to laugh, I think she realized that l o n g  before I did. We catch up to the ambulance. If you need to get somewhere fast, have Kyla take you, she is awesome. We get to the hospital. I just want to see Millie, I can not relax until I see her. She hasn't acted normal yet. I don't know if the seizure or her being unconscious has done any brain damage. I don't care, she didn't die, so I'll take her as she is, I just don't know what that is yet. We walk into the room and she is responsive. She is doing great. She even starts joking with her dad. Rob and Lexi come in, Bri and Em come in. Ty  and baby Bryden come in. I am so glad to see them all. The nurses are there. A youth advocate of some sort is there. The Dr. comes in and talks to us. He orders blood work.  The blood work is ordered and then we just wait. But it's ok, she is fine now. I am so glad to have everyone around. It is so comforting. I don't have my phone so I ask Lexi to call Grandma.
Camille starts to punk me now, she looks at me and starts to twitch her head. I grab her and say her name. She starts to laugh. I tell her it is too soon, but I am glad to see that she is her silly self.
The blood work comes back normal. They don't think she had a Grand Mal seizure they think it was related to the fall a concessionary seizure. We need to take her to a neurologist to be sure. And we can go home now. yeah!
It is so good to be home. The kids all hug Millie. We all cry some more. Sam is finally home. I didn't even have my phone to tell her, but she found out a little bit somehow. Morley's had brought over pizza and salad for the kids. Grandma came over to help with the kids. Lindsey said she was so glad when GG came, she was so worried and was glad she wasn't the oldest one home anymore. Sis. Clare sent a text to see what was going on, she saw the ambulance in our driveway too.
We can't go to bed. We are all exhausted but also so grateful to be together. We pile onto my bed and Chris says we should watch Star Wars. haha! It is so late now...like 10:30. We go into the front room and watch Star Wars together. Nico is still shocked, he isn't acting right. He already has a fear of death and this just multiplied it by 6!  I try to talk to him about it, I ask him if he is still nervous. He says yes. His eyes are holding pain and fright in them. I just hold him for a few minutes. He won't leave my side. Poor kid.
I am sure I'll add details to this as they come up, but it was the most horrific moment of my life. When we get home, Christopher tells Mille that they were watching the tablet together and Millie says, "Oh yeah." I asked Christopher what was going on before she fell and he is not real sure. He thought she was punking him until she was on the ground. I then asked him how long she was on the ground before he screamed her name, he said, like a second.

Another major part of this story is, Rob wasn't even supposed to be home, he was supposed to be at work. MIRACLE!

Photo shoot with Lindsey and Camille.

Samantha took photos with the girls today. So fun.

Too funny.

Where I am today.

I have a new outlook, a new beginning, a new perspective on life today.
I don't know where to begin, or how to begin, I'm a little afraid to begin. It seems as though everything I do right now is perceived wrong. I am always rethinking my thoughts before I say them, and worried about who is going to be offended and if I am saying something right. It's a hard way to live. But today is different.

I woke up and decided that I needed to let go. I needed to stop trying to fix something that is so wrong and messed up in my life. I can't fix it, so I need to let it go. It is hard to let something go when that something is a person. I person that I love.  A person that meant a whole lot to me. How do you just let go?

It's been 2 years, 2 years since my best friend decided we weren't friends anymore. I don't know how that happens to be quite honest. I don't know how you care about someone and then you don't.  I think the hardest part for me is not knowing why. I wish that I could at least have a chance to fix things, a chance to let her see the real me and understand where I am coming from and a chance to understand her pain. But I know now that-that is never going to happen. I know that this is how it is, this is where things are and I have to learn to live with it and move forward. I think today, I finally can.

It seems to me that everything I do now is wrong. If I say hi, it's wrong, if I don't, it's wrong. I can never get out of the red because my very presence causes a problem. It is very sad and very hard emotionally. I am not saying this in any way to sound like I am mad at this person, or that I think she is a jerk. That is not my intention at all. I am just trying to show how lost I am and how lost I feel. Or how lost I was and how lost I felt. It's hard to try to fix something over and over and finally realize it's not going to be fixed.

What this has done to me physically: I have put on a lot of weight, to protect myself. I have heart palpitations. My heart beats really fast for a little while almost every day now. I have 2 twitches one in my fingers and one in my eye.  I have to take an extra breath every now and then.(Like when you've been crying really hard) I do cry, almost every day.
Emotionally: I fight my feelings of  hurt, and anger constantly. I am brought back to my childhood when I felt unlovable and unwanted. I have fought not being good enough and not mattering to anyone my whole life. I have worked through it, I just got leveled again and it was hard.
Spiritually: I have had to search for peace and understanding. I know what the Atonement can do and I find it hard to understand why it doesn't apply to me in this case. It's hard to go to church. I am already under a microscope as it is, now I have contention in a place that is supposed to be peaceful and spiritual. There is no peace and it is often hard to feel the Spirit. Chris won't let me go to another ward. I did ask to be removed from Visiting Teaching, I can't take the pressure.
Part of the reason that this was so hard for me is that I feel like it happened at the same time that  Chris was made bishop. So I felt very lonely. The 2 people I talked to the most and told everything to stopped talking to me at almost the same time.
I really have learned a lot in these past 2 years. I've gotten more independent. I've started making new friends. I've turned to the Savior. Can I say that I am grateful for this trial?...not yet. I have learned to be kinder, and treat people the way I want to treat them, even when it's hard.

But today I woke up and I realized that I couldn't dwell on any of this anymore. I need to tell myself everyday that there is no hope in mending this relationship. Not because I don't want to, but because she doesn't. I have to figure out how to be ok with that. If she came to me today and said we could be friends--I would be so happy. That is my hope, but I don't have faith in that...

I know I can and will learn from this if I allow it. I need to stay open and not let my heart get hardened. I am not the type of person to get offended. I don't get offended, and if I get hurt, it is easy for me to get over it. I am not one to hang on to things.


I don't blame her for any of this in anyway...
This is from me and my point of view, plain and simple.

1 Nephi 14:7

7 For the time cometh, saith the Lamb of God, that I will work a great and a marvelous work among the children of men; a work which shall be everlasting, either on the one hand or on the other—either to the convincing of them unto peace and life eternal, or unto the deliverance of them to the hardness of their hearts and the blindness of their minds unto their being brought down into captivity, and also into destruction, both temporally and spiritually, according to the captivity of the devil, of which I have spoken.

This is one of the scriptures we studied in school this week. It really impacted me reading it this time.

This is the Lord talking, he says that he has a great and marvelous work among the children of men.
Great and marvelous, great means just that-great. Marvelous is unimaginable. So beyond what we can comprehend.

This work is going to be everlasting to man. Everlasting-permanent, doesn't change.
So this work will be everlasting to man...it will either bring them peace and everlasting life...OR unto the deliverance of them to the hardness of their hearts, and the blindness of their minds. That one word makes all the difference...or unto the deliverance of them TO the hardness of their hearts and the blindness of their minds. They will be given back all of their troubles. The things they didn't let the Lord take for them, he will give back to them to figure out and pay the price for all on their own. With that they are brought down into captivity and destruction, both temporally and spiritually.

That is a lot of information in one scripture.

Family

The first picture is a meme that I saw, the second picture is what my brain saw:

So here are some photographs of people that I love!
(some I took and some I stole)

so, my computer was slow and didn't get all the pictures I uploaded, if I missed people...please tell me, I will find the ones I had an upload them...